An offer I couldn’t refuse

An offer I couldn’t refuse

Last weekend, I was in Hamburg, after a good friend of mine offered me the chance to become a godfather. Of course, it wasn’t until I showed up at the church with a violin case that I realised my mistake, but we laughed it off and I managed to dispose of the horse’s head without anyone noticing.

For someone like me, who hasn’t had much experience with babies, the experience was a daunting one, especially when a small, bald, dribbling, toothless person was thrust into my arms and I realised that this was both my past and, very possibly, my future. While I am still of sound mind, I should like to apologise in advance to the staff at whatever nursing home I end up bald, dribbling and toothless in.

Of course, like most babies, my new godson didn’t care much about my own plans for a pleasant evening, but for his part, he’t just had a very large meal. After a lot of squirming around, he finally grabbed hold of my best shirt and stuffed a fistful of it into his mouth.

This, I rapidly discovered, was a cynical ploy. The warm, wet sensation spreading from exactly that point signalled the fact that dinner had broken off its trek through the child’s digestive tract and returned to the outside world via the end not swathed in absorbant materials manufactured to the highest standards of hygiene. There is, I feel, an obvious gap in the market here.

The genius of this exercise lay in the fact that nobody else could actually see anything, which meant that I had a devil of a time persuading him that little JD (as I shall call him) had done more than just cough slightly. Once convinced, they were at least gracious enough to remove the child from my person, revealing a fair amount of stringy goo.

Of course, right after that, JD decided he wanted seconds, which leads me to suspect that the whole thing was planned from beginning to end. For some reason, nobody believes me.

Anyway, since I never did get any of that on film, here’s a consolation: an educational video. Yay!